


til the war's won

by izayas



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, and namie there to provide an outsider's perspective as usual, featuring izaya's obsessiveness and shizuo's emotional turmoil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-03 09:34:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6605734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izayas/pseuds/izayas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>heiwajima shizuo's killed someone, and the first person he calls is the person he broke up with eight months ago: orihara izaya.</p>
            </blockquote>





	til the war's won

Izaya has a specific bookshelf dedicated to paper files of clients.

Of course, not _all_ of his clients. Some are more important than others and the ones out in the open are the nobodies, really. For instance, any information on the Awakusu-Kai certainly wouldn't be next to a little bonsai tree. That would be ridiculous. Imagine if Shiki noticed one day during a meeting.

Izaya likes to tease death but not _that_ much.

Though Izaya certainly is not one to be against technology, there's a charm about paper files that he quite likes, a certain comfort and security of holding information that could destroy someone's life in his hands. Namie says he's old fashioned and wasting paper, but he just smiles and waves her off; she's full of opinions. Many of them about him. Most of them degrading.

His fingers are holding the papers he had just sifted through, clipping them together neatly before closing the folder. It had been drizzling when he started, but seems to have stopped while he had been engrossed in the file. Izaya can still see droplets clinging and racing on the other side of the glass, watches one droplet finds it way to a larger conglomerate. He then stands and saunters over to the shelf; his eyes fall to the second row and go across until he fingers the slight gap. A folder with _Kobayashi_ written on it is put back where it belongs. The handwriting is Namie's; Izaya's a busy man, so he can't be bothered to write and create all these files. Reasons like these are why he has a secretary. All the folders are exactly the same and the bookshelf is organized alphabetically and meticulously. She also has quite nice handwriting, which could easily be mistaken as a being typed upon first glance. Izaya likes to tell her that it's because she's heartless. She glares at him.

Speaking of his secretary, he thinks to look over and see just what she's up to tonight. It's been a relatively lax day at the office; Izaya doesn't have many clients over and the overall dreariness causes even him to stay indoors. Namie's sitting on the couch, slight bump under a blanket indicating crossed legs and watching the television with the same expression she has when she works.

"Namie-san, turn that down, would you?" he calls as he goes back to his desk. He actually doesn't mind the noise, just wants to inconvenience her.

Izaya chuckles when she increases the volume.

It's two hours into the new day and the fact that Orihara Izaya is working and his secretary is watching television isn't as strange as it should be. He works late hours, she contributes to his electricity bill while also clocking more time for higher pay. It's normal. It's how things are done. It's life.

The increased chattering of whatever drama she's watching is soon background sound to Izaya's quick typing, easily and naturally falling into the rhythm of his work. A chat room is pulled up on one screen and the other displays several open windows of emails he's currently in the middle of responding to. It's hard being Orihara Izaya. Everybody wants to talk to him. So sometimes he just doesn't respond. It makes them want to talk to him more.

Supply and demand.

Izaya's so engrossed in his work that when his phone rings, he doesn't even bother looking. At this hour, it's most likely a disgruntled client, maybe another death threat. Something fun, he thinks. So his left hand lifts from the keyboard, index finger swiping smoothly over the glass screen. He sees the display change in his peripheral vision and taps the button for speakerphone before he goes back to typing. Reading, responding, and speaking are three things Izaya's very good at doing at the same time.

"Orihara Izaya," he answers, voice as light as his fingers.

"I… Izaya?"

If it wasn't the overly familiar way of being addressed, it would've been the voice. Izaya stops typing; he blinks and is struck by the fact he didn't realize it was his _personal_ phone ringing. This is the phone whose numbers is given to a total of six people:

His parents.

His sisters.

Shinra.

Heiwajima Shizuo.

Namie doesn't seem to have noticed, which Izaya appreciates. Emotionless as she may, the very slight furrow of her brow indicates she's quite invested in the show she's watching. Izaya's fingers curl and hover over the keyboard before he pulls them back and stares at his phone warily. His eyes are narrowed and he can't quite bring himself to pick it up yet. It's not the time of the call. It's not the fact the call is happening. It's not even the stutter.

It's that Shizuo's voice sounds strange.

In the two years they had dated, Izaya had more or less memorized the different inflections of Shizuo's voice. He's sensitive to the way Shizuo's voice gets louder and softer, can discern between mumbles and mutters. Shizuo can be quiet but happy, or quiet and sad; just _quiet_ doesn't tell as much as the way he says things. Out of everyone, Izaya's always, _always_ paid more attention to Shizuo than anyone.

They'd broken up eight months ago, but knowledge takes longer than eight months to disappear.

So Izaya's absolutely positive when he hears Shizuo's voice, hears the lilt in his voice, the hushed but forced way he says his name.

This is how Shizuo sounds when he's scared.

Eyes flitting to Namie again, and trusting the television is loud enough that she doesn't hear Shizuo's hoarse voice, Izaya picks up his phone at last. Turning off speaker, he spins around in his chair, facing his floor-to-ceiling window. One arm folds over his chest and he crosses his legs as casually as he can, takes another moment to collect himself before answering.

"What a surprise to hear from you, Shizu-chan," Izaya says, leans back in his chair. His voice is airy enough, though low so Namie won't think to turn down the volume to eavesdrop. Orihara Izaya is master of showing only what he wants seen, voicing only what he wants heard. His expression is blank, he observes in the reflection of his window. For someone like Izaya, who has a mask of pleasantness, blankness is rare. It's strange. "And to what do I owe this pleasure?"

A sickly sweet and well-rehearsed line that Izaya uses to answer the phone when he's speaking to someone he doesn't want to speak to.

But hanging up isn't an option.

It's silent and all he hears is heavy breathing. Izaya is known for his patience; it's just one of the many ways in which he's entirely opposite from Shizuo. He can wait for hours, days, weeks. That's how he can create such intricate plans that go undetected; he's patient, he's careful, he's smart. So Izaya isn't annoyed; he just hears Shizuo breathing, listens to him. He can almost imagine the way his chest is rising and falling, heaving in that way it does when he's just finished sprinting from somewhere. But exhaustion isn't just physical and he wonders if something's happened, something like that time when Shizuo had learned his father had been admitted to the hospital.

Shizuo's breathing is uneven. There are extended silences between some of the breaths and Izaya can almost _see_ Shizuo licking his lips, his Adam's apple bobbing with thick swallows. He's probably running his hands through his hair; it's one of his nervous tics. He plays with his hair when he's anxious and Izaya had at one point found that endearing. Shizuo bounces his legs when nervous, bites his lip when worried, pinches the bridge of his nose when stressed. Most of all, he paces when he's uneasy. Izaya can see him doing all four of those.

Izaya doesn't know how long he's waited, but the traffic light at the intersection has changed three times. The cars go and stop, go and stop; there's honking and he starts counting how many lights are out.

"I…" Shizuo starts finally, falls silent again.

Izaya is patient. He watches the light change two more times.

"I… I did… I need your help."

Izaya frowns slightly. His eyes narrow and he begins to sit up, back straight and feet firmly on the ground, like he's ready to stand at any given moment.

This is the first they've spoken since the break up. Shizuo doesn't reach out because of space; Izaya doesn't reach out because of pride. So Shizuo's made the first attempt and it's certainly not a casual _hello, how are you?_

Because if it had been, Izaya likely would've hung up. He would've been silent at first and then ended the call without saying anything, deactivated this phone and gone on with his life.

"With what?" Izaya asks calmly, voice low. His heart beats steadily, but he has a bad feeling in his gut.

His gut feeling is never, ever wrong.

Shizuo swallows. The white noise is suddenly gone and Izaya can only imagine that Shizuo's standing still as he says:

"I killed somebody."

The entire world shifts at that moment and Izaya is silent for three seconds before:

"Stay there. Don't touch anything. Don't talk to anyone. I'm on my way."

He's out the door before his chair stops spinning.

* * *

Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya last for twenty-six months before they break up.

Nobody is more surprised than Izaya, though, of course, Izaya doesn't let that show. Izaya is Izaya; he shows only what he wants people to see and think, is very conscious about the image and expression he projects. Twenty-six months of being with Heiwajima Shizuo has softened some of him, but, at the core, Izaya will always be Izaya the way Shizuo will always be Shizuo.

Izaya makes the mistake of getting comfortable. He's kept some sort of a guard up; to say the relationship is difficult is an understatement. All relationships take work, but this one in particular is between two very stubborn, very opposite people. It takes an extraordinary duo, so it's a good thing Shizuo and Izaya have never been ordinary.

But he begins to get comfortable and that's his mistake; Izaya gets comfortable and so the day Shizuo leaves, it's like he's been punched in the gut in a way he'd never thought possible. It had started out as any fight, and that's what kills Izaya. He hadn't expected it and spent weeks after replaying it in his mind, wondered if he could've done something. It's not often Izaya doubts himself, but Shizuo had been and will always be every exception.

_"Izaya, I fuckin'… you… damnit! Sometimes I have to wonder—what the hell's-!"_

_Izaya raises an eyebrow calmly and takes a sip of his coffee as he watches Shizuo stumble over his words. Fights for them are frequent, as expected. The transition from enemies to lovers is slow, gradual, painful, nearly lethal, but it happens. However, the fights don't stop. All that changes now is that they're verbal and emotional, no longer physical confrontations. Sometimes they miss that. It's easier to recover from sore muscles than a bruised ego._

_"…I don't know," Shizuo says, sinks into the couch next to him. For a moment, he hides his face in his hands, but seems even more exhausted when he looks up. Izaya just watches him; Shizuo's frustration is clearly shown on his face through his eyes and Izaya's hiding half of his expression with his mug. "You're always… avoiding things. Even now. You're not saying anything. We need to talk, Izaya."_

_He takes another sip of his coffee. "Then let's talk."_

_"You know what I mean," Shizuo says exasperatedly. "We've never had an actual conversation about us. Relationships are about compromise and… you don't compromise. It feels like I'm always the one compromising. I moved in. I changed my schedule. I do what you want. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like we're dating. Sometimes it just feels like… I'm just in your life."_

_"Which is what dating is," Izaya murmurs. He's set down his mug in favor of the computer; there's a notification for an email and he wonders if it's the one he's spent all morning waiting for._

_"No," Shizuo says quietly, eyes downcast. "…I'm in your life, but as some sort of… accessory. This doesn't feel like a relationship. I can't work for the both of us. I can't make this work if you don't even try."_

_Izaya looks up from his email a moment too late. Shizuo's gazing at him again and Izaya suddenly has a bad feeling in his gut, realizes this isn't just any fight. He sets his mug down and as he sits up, about to give more than a half-assed, vaguely snarky response as his reflex, Shizuo says:_

_"I'm done waiting."_

Shizuo leaves and doesn't just pull the rug out from under Izaya's feet. He takes the rug, floor, ground, earth, universe out from under him and for about a week, Izaya feels as if he's free-falling, waiting to crash. He's spiraling and he doesn't know how to stop it; he feels utterly lost and helpless, absolutely hates it.

It's terrifying and it's humiliating, to be left like that because of some _breakup_. He's free-falling, but he's Orihara Izaya.

If he free falls, it's at his own volition.

Not anyone else's.

And _certainly_ not Heiwajima Shizuo's.

So begins the _fine, just fine_ lifestyle Orihara Izaya then adopts, brushing off his secretary's incredulous looks when she comes in one day and Izaya's showered and smiling again. He entirely disregards the last week and forces her to because it never happened. Izaya is _fine, just fine_. He's always been _fine, just fine_. He will always be _fine, just fine_.

Eight months pass as _fine, just fine_.

Izaya's got a bad feeling, but he walks calmly. He walks as he always does, a respectable pace and neutral expression. He's got this city memorized and after having Shizuo text him where he is, he heads there, has already mapped out the quickest path there by the time he leaves his apartment complex. He doesn't run. He doesn't even hurry. His slender legs carry him as they always do and his hands are in the pockets of his signature coat, material protecting him from the chilly biting wind of Ikebukuro at three hours past midnight.

He hasn't seen Shizuo since the break up.

Correction: Shizuo doesn't _know_ he's seen him since the break up.

Orihara Izaya is an informant, a skilled one at that, and getting information is really second nature to him by now. Dirt, gossip, history, images, voice recordings pass through his computer, desk, fax machine every day in unimaginable magnitudes. So it's inevitable that _something_ concerning Shizuo will come up. After all, the strongest man in Ikebukuro certainly always has someone watching him.

Sometimes two someones.

_"Some things never change."_

_"What's that, Namie-san?"_

_"Nothing. I'm just observing a real life example of the word obsession."_

Izaya hears drunken cheering and he gives a small purse of his lips, an expression that passes as cute by society's standards. It's his displeased expression; it's the slight wrinkle of his nose, the unamused frown. It's how he looks when his precious humans are being vulgar. Izaya doesn't drink or gamble; he doesn't wish to, and his humans are free to do as they want, but it's certainly not his _favorite_ thing that they do.

But it's human nature, so Izaya still loves them.

Eyes lingering on the slightly ajar door to the bar, Izaya continues walking, finally turning. He's two steps into the alley before he sees Shizuo.

Shizuo's easy to spot. He always has been. If it isn't the flying objects that are more suited to be grounded, it's the blond hair. If it isn't the blond hair, then it's the bartender uniform. If it's not the uniform, it's _instinct_. Shizuo's not the only one who can sense Izaya's around; it's a two way street because fate likes to play cruel jokes.

The ground is still damp from the showers earlier that day and humidity still hangs in the air. The cheering is distant now, sound second to that of his own heart, his own blood rushing through his ears. Izaya walks over slowly, makes sure the gravel crunches beneath his shoes because he doesn't want to say anything, pride forbidding it.

Shizuo has to talk first.

He's sitting on the ground with his curved spine touching the wall, feet flat and elbows on his knees. His long fingers are grabbing at his hair his shoulders are trembling, breathing so harshly Izaya can see the quick, successive movements of his back. Izaya stops walking and that's when Shizuo looks up with a start.

But Izaya's not looking at him anymore.

He's looking at the body next to Shizuo, the sprawled out corpse next to him, a good three meters away. Izaya has to step closer hesitantly in order to see what shadows had concealed. It's a middle-aged man and he can see a pool of blood forming around his head. It doesn't register as blood at first; Izaya thinks it's just a shadow until he realizes he can see the face just fine. For a moment, Izaya's stomach feels uneasy to think this was done by _hand_ but he sees a broken bottle, a few shards catching moonlight from their place in the blood. But just as he feels a slight bit of relief, his eyes fall to an arm that's bent the wrong way, realizes there are brick shards in his hair. He slowly looks to the wall Shizuo's against and, sure enough, there's an obvious dent.

Izaya takes a deep breath and faces the other way as he pulls out his phone. His back is to Shizuo now, but he can hear scuffling from behind him.

"I… I didn't… I didn't mean to. I s-swear, I didn't… he just… I…"

"How drunk are you?" Izaya asks quietly.

"N-not… just a few beers, I…"

"How many?"

"Th-three. And a whiskey, I—"

"Did you eat today?"

"W-what? No, no, I didn't—"

"Don't say anything."

Shizuo falls silent; it's the quickest he's ever obeyed Izaya without question. Izaya raises the phone to his ear and he's still careful to not look at Shizuo or even in his general direction. He also avoids the wall and the body; he doesn't really want to look at anything, so he chooses instead to focus on a single puddle that's capturing the moon's reflection. The ringing is deafening and Izaya takes another step away from the body, just for good measure.

There's a click and Izaya snaps into business mode.

_"Orihara."_

"Takahashi," Izaya drawls, can't help but fall into a smirk because this is Orihara Izaya doing his work and Orihara Izaya smirks when he's doing his work, "remember the favor you owe me?"

There's a gruff sigh and Izaya laughs.

"Be here in fifteen minutes."

Izaya hangs up and there are three seconds of silence before Shizuo speaks again:

"Izaya?"

Izaya notes the change in his voice.

Shizuo's gone from scared to terrified.

He sounds small. He sounds weak. The strongest man in Ikebukuro sounds weak and when Izaya looks at him, he sees the vulnerability in his expression. His eyes are wide and his face is pale; his voice cracks on the second syllable of Izaya's name and Izaya forgets just forty-five seconds ago he didn't want to look at him. He walks over and drops to his knees in front of him. Outstretched arms coax him close and Izaya sighs, holds Shizuo to his chest and rests his chin on top of his head.

"Don't worry, Shizu-chan. I'll take care of it."

His eyes open. They're half lidded and he's looking at the corpse, devoid of any emotion.

This is Orihara Izaya doing his work, this is Orihara Izaya creating a boundary between human emotion and rational, this is Orihara Izaya protecting someone he's willing to stop the entire world for.

"I'll protect you."

* * *

Shizuo's the one who moves out.

As the one who moves in, it's only fair, and expected, he moves out.

Yagiri Namie remembers the day clearly. She moves to open the door just as Shizuo does and the two are caught in an awkward dance around for a few moments. Except she doesn't move and Shizuo still struggles to get past her. She sees him with his bags and one scan around the apartment tells her what she needs to know. Shizuo's left his copy of the key on the kitchen counter and Namie notes the tightness of Izaya's smile, the almost too relaxed nature of his movements when he comes home fifteen minutes after Shizuo's gone.

That's how Izaya is when he's pretending to be fine when his world is falling apart.

Namie's seen it a handful of times. Being his secretary, she sees a lot. She sees all the different sorts of people who come through Izaya's office, how he treats them all the same in the end. She's seen businessmen and reporters, lawyers and doctors, gardeners and pet trainers all come through here, somehow find their way to the worst place on earth.

And she watches Izaya destroy them.

Not at first. Not even all. At first, he's charming. Izaya smiles and is pleasant; if Namie didn't know who Orihara Izaya was, she more likely than not would've fallen for that trick. He serves them tea and helps them relax, seems to be on their side as he listens sympathetically. And sometimes, he leaves it at that. Sometimes, Izaya just does the job and lets them go.

But sometimes they come back and on the days where Namie is feeling a little extra kind, she thinks about turning them away.

But she never does.

She's not that kind.

Namie's watched how Izaya treats everyone, regardless of socioeconomic status or age or gender, the same in the end.

Namie also gets to watch how Izaya treats himself.

Most of the time, he's annoyingly fine. He does his stupid spinning and his ridiculously long-winded speeches. He smiles, as fake as it may be, and goes on and on about how he loves humans. He saunters around, drapes an arm around her, mocks pouts, feigns hurt, is dramatic and nimble as he avoids her trying to kick him.

It's maybe two years as his secretary before she sees anything different. Namie returns to the office because she forgets something, doesn't bother announcing herself (she could care less if she scares Izaya.) But as she heads over to her desk, she's the one who's scared when Izaya's voice resonates. She's about to snap at him for being a creep and, to this day, is glad she didn't.

Because when she looks over, he's got the kind of deadness in his eyes that reminds her just why Orihara Izaya is known as the second strongest man in Ikebukuro.

That's the first time she's afraid of him.

The thing with Izaya is that he stifles his emotions. He stifles them as much as he can and refuses to feel anything; it's part of his _loving humanity_ spiel. Izaya's decided that since he loves everyone and accepts everything about them, he can't be hurt. When they do something he doesn't expect, he's delighted. They don't anger him; he just loves the nuances and the surprises.

But the problem with stifling emotions is that at some point, he'll have to feel them.

So when he allows himself to feel them, it's legitimately terrifying.

Luckily for Namie, it doesn't happen often. In fact, any time she sees him upset is purely by accident. Her coming back without warning, him not realizing she hadn't left. He prefers to be alone and, despite how much she hates him, Namie understands. So much so that when she is there and she knows he's upset, she'll leave.

Because as a fellow human being, she'll show some decency.

The morning after Shizuo moves out, Izaya is so fine at first that Namie is scared. He greets her as he always does and she makes the mistake of asking him what happened.

He looks over and her blood runs cold at his sickly saccharine smile.

_"It's best not to get involved in things that don't concern you, Namie-san."_

She leaves early that day and, for the first time, he's still in that mood when she comes back the next day. But this time she stays. It doesn't take any brainpower to deduce that Izaya won't lash out at her; his anger is very concentrated and very focused. Heiwajima Shizuo has got to be the only person stupid enough to anger Orihara Izaya this much, and it's probably because he's the only one who can deal with his temper.

Orihara Izaya is spiraling, but he spirals in a very specific and controlled way. His spiraling presents itself as him being _fine_. Orihara Izaya isn't going to crawl under the covers of his bed and pity himself. He's not going to hide away somewhere and tend to a _broken heart_. Izaya forces himself to go back to what he wants people to see him as. He'll act like everything is all right, but for that first week, Namie feels like any wrong movement can and will set him off. After that week, he's _fine, just fine_ but during it, he's _fine, but not._

Eight months pass and she doesn't press the topic until month six, very casually and offhandedly mentioning that she'd seen Shizuo that day. Izaya's fingers don't even still and continue typing, which she's surprised about, and he just hums. _"Is that so? At the bakery? Awful eating habits as always."_

He even smiles, a less terrifying but still rehearsed smile, as he looks at her, informs her a client is coming. She answers the door for some middle-aged reporter and decides to go into some other room.

Namie is actually impressed at how Izaya manages to slip back into his persona before he starts dating Shizuo. Some people cope with break ups by reliving everything. Izaya copes by pretending it doesn't happen.

Shizuo and Izaya are anything but a typical couple; when she comes into work and Shizuo's there, it's a little startling at first, but she gets used to it. Izaya doesn't act any different. There's no physical affection, there are no pet names (except 'Shizu-chan.') There's really nothing that indicates they're in a relationship except the fact they're not killing each other. Namie doesn't care that much. Shizuo hangs around and Namie doesn't bother to wonder why he moves into _this_ apartment. Convenience? Izaya being so private he won't even tell Shizuo where another apartment is? Just to piss her off? Maybe all those reasons. Maybe none. She doesn't know. She doesn't care. She ignores them most of the time, but even so, she can see how Izaya is softening.

Shizuo's effect on him is subtle but immense. Namie watches him opt to let go of a few _interesting_ opportunities and spare innocent clients of ruined lives. Namie realizes he sleeps a little earlier and stops disappearing so often. Namie even notes that Izaya is in _genuinely good moods_ every so often. Is Izaya still Izaya? Yes. Will he ever not be Izaya? Never. But has he changed, whether or not he's willing to admit it? Yes. She thinks Shizuo is Izaya's kryptonite. Shizuo is both kryptonite and Superman.

So when they break up, Namie's not surprised that Izaya goes back to how he always had been. She's just surprised at how seamlessly and immediate it is. Gone are the little slips of kindness and genuine emotion. It's back to how he always is, bored and taunting and merciless and always seeking amusement.

But then Shizuo comes back.

She's in the kitchen making herself tea when the door opens. About to coldly inform him that dinner is long past being cold, she only stops talking because she sees Shizuo. He's behind Izaya and she's never seen the strongest man in Ikebukuro so pale, eyes so dull. There's blood splatter on his shirt and she moves to pick up her phone when Izaya's voice sharply rings out:

"Don't."

Izaya leaves his keys on his desk and after instructing Shizuo to take a shower and leave his clothes for him to take care of, he looks to her with such a strong, cold expression she actually finds herself taking a step back.

"Don't speak of this to anyone, Namie-san."

She nods without hesitating.

* * *

Orihara Izaya is _not_ a dependent person.

He's _not_.

He loves everyone, but he doesn't need any specific person in order to survive. He just needs people; as long as there are people, as long as there are humans, then Izaya can survive just fine. He needs humans in their _entirety_ to love, but no single person has so much power over him.

It's just that when Shizuo leaves, Izaya forgets how to breathe.

"Tell me what happened," Izaya says quietly. Namie's not here today; Izaya's sent her home while Shizuo was still in the shower and instructed her to not return until he explicitly gives her permission to do so.

Izaya lets Shizuo borrow some clothing, leaves them on the sink counter, sees the shadow of Shizuo's figure standing still behind the curtain. Neither of them say anything about the fact that they're clearly meant for Shizuo, as they'd be even baggier on Izaya, and why Izaya still has them. The clothes he had been wearing are thrown into a bag and Izaya tells him he'll take care of them.

Shizuo swallows, digs his nails into the pads of his fingers, looks up hesitantly.

"The body—"

"Don't make me repeat myself."

Shizuo flinches at Izaya's tone but he nods and looks away. He's slept a few hours; after the shower, he goes to rest but can't fall asleep. Instead, he finds himself listening to Izaya's muffled voice through the door. He can't make out what he's saying, just knows that Izaya's answers are short and curt; Shizuo's got no idea who he's talking to or what he's talking about, so he just grasps the pillow and prays for a miracle.

"I… I was at the bar," Shizuo begins slowly and swallows again. "And I was about to leave when this… reporter. Yeah, reporter. He comes up to me and starts talkin'… asking all these things about Kasuka. And I… I swear, I didn't mean—"

"I know," Izaya says, tone gentler than before. "What happened next?"

Shizuo's sitting on the edge of Izaya's couch, elbows on his knees, one leg bouncing. His fingers are laced, thumbs dragging themselves over the sides of his index fingers agitatedly. Izaya's standing behind the couch with his arms crossed and seems to be staring at nothing. He hasn't slept; he can't imagine that Shizuo has, but maybe the few hours in bed have helped him. Upon being brought back, Shizuo is clearly in no shape to talk. And if it were up to him, he'd still be in shock. But Izaya understands the severity of this situation and knows that he can't let Shizuo dilly dally until he's good and ready.

"…I left," he croaks, clearing his throat after. "I left the bar. But he kept following me and when I was trying to get rid of him, I… made a wrong turn. Ended up in that alley."

"The bottle?"

"…Took with me from the bar."

"The arm? The wall?"

"I was tryin' to make him stop talking," he says, voice beginning to rise. "I got so mad, I just… I grabbed him, but he wouldn't stop, just started yelling and—"

"I know."

Shizuo gives a choked gasp, abruptly cut off by Izaya's quiet murmur. The dip between his shoulder blades deepens as he bows his head. "Shit, I—"

Izaya sighs.

"And then what?"

"…He was trying to start shit with Kasuka," Shizuo continued. "Just gossip about him and Ruri. But he was just coming up with these… this… absolutely _fucking_ bullshit and… I don't know, maybe he thought if he pissed me off enough I'd say something? But… I tried to walk away, okay? Izaya, I promise—"

Izaya's breath hitches when Shizuo said his name for the third time and he immediately returns with 'I believe you' and offers him a gentle gaze, smile more in his eyes than lips. "Tell me the rest, Shizu-chan."

The nickname seems to help Shizuo relax a bit. He nods and lets his eyes drop to the carpet, biting his lip.

"…He grabbed my arm. I was trying to walk past him and go home and sober up but… he grabbed my arm. And before I knew it…. before I knew it, he was on the ground, the glass was broken."

Shizuo stares at his shaking hands.

"…I killed him."

There's a heavy silence.

Izaya's eyes close and he exhales silently, his shoulders dropping with the escaped breath. Wordlessly, he goes over to the kitchen and makes himself a mug of tea, grabbing a milk carton from the refrigerator that's Namie's for when she makes coffee. He brings both beverages over and leaves the glass in front of Shizuo on the coffee table, murmurs 'it's skim, if that's all right.'

Shizuo nods and Izaya watches his shaking hand pick up the milk, bring it to his lips before setting it down without taking a sip. His tongue wets his lips again and Izaya can see his entire frame trembling.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya says quietly, taking a seat on the other couch. "It's taken care of. The body is gone. The glass is gone. The bartender has been taken care of. Nobody knows you were there. Nobody will know what you did."

"It's not that," Shizuo says tightly, looking up desperately, "it's what I _did_. I _killed_ someone, I should go to jail—"

"No. Shizu-chan, you're not going anywhere. I'm going to take care of this."

"But—"

"You're not a bad person. You don't deserve to go to jail. Do you hear me?"

Izaya's voice is strong, overpowers Shizuo's easily. Shizuo falls silent and after a long pause, he gives a slow nod and Izaya straightens, satisfied. He's standing and pulling out his phone, about to tell Shizuo to go and rest when he speaks again:

"You were the first person I thought of."

Izaya's thumb stills and he looks at Shizuo, eyebrow raised.

"To call," Shizuo clarifies, slowly looking up to meet his eyes after a moment. "…You were the first person I thought of to call. Nobody else even came to mind."

Izaya stares at him and blinks a few times before he gives a smile.

"…I'm glad."

* * *

Because, throughout the duration of their relationship, Namie has made snide remarks about how Izaya's the one who's dependent.

He always scoffs, brushes her off, then docks her pay.

Because Shizuo doesn't have only Izaya. Shizuo has Kasuka, Celty, Tom, Varona, to name a few. Shizuo has other people he's formed genuine relationships with.

And Izaya?

Just Shizuo and Shinra.

Izaya attempts to return back to his everyday life and at first he tells Shizuo to do the same before deciding it better he stay at his apartment. Shizuo doesn't fight the decision. He doesn't have many things and wordlessly hands Izaya a key and list of things he wants. He's back within the hour, hands him the bag, quietly adds that he's picked up a few more things that he knows Shizuo just forgot to write down.

It's the first time Shizuo smiles, but it's empty and hollow.

They fall back into a rhythm of coexisting easily. After eight months of being apart, Izaya expects him to have to readjust to sharing his space with someone again. But it feels natural; it's like they pick up right where they leave off. Shizuo's toothbrush is back in the bathroom, the pantry includes some things he'd like. A second towel is hung up and Izaya's taken the liberty of stocking a drawer with clothes for him, create space in his closet.

Shizuo spends most of the first few days in bed, curled up with a pillow and under the plush duvet cover. Izaya's taken to the couch most of the time, but there's one particularly sleep deprived night where he's in his bed before he realizes. Just as he's about to get out, he feels a strong arm around his waist, hears 'stay' followed by a broken 'please.' Izaya doesn't even think twice; a hand comes up to rest over Shizuo's and he lies back down.

_"Okay."_

_He feels Shizuo's hand begin to move and removes his own to give him freedom. It finds a place over his heart; Shizuo pulls him close and Izaya feels the lengths of their bodies pressed flush together, keeps his breathing as steady as he can. Shizuo's feeling his heartbeat, Izaya knows, and he keeps his eyes half lidded. It's only when he feels Shizuo's fingers curling that he brings his hand back, rests it on top of Shizuo's and sighs._

_"…Shizu-chan. Stop blaming yourself."_

_"How am I supposed to do that?" Shizuo asks, his voice coming out in barely above a whisper. Izaya both hears and feels him moving; Shizuo's forehead is to his back, just below the space between his shoulder blades and Izaya gently but firmly laces their fingers together. "I… I killed—"_

_"You didn't mean to."_

_"It's unforgivable, I… I'm a mons—"_

_"You're not."_

_Izaya squeezes Shizuo's hand._

_"You're not, Shizu-chan."_

The first few days, Izaya's in and out often.

He's meeting with people, making sure they've done what they're supposed to. There's a bit of blackmail involved, sometimes for reason and other times because he's Izaya and can't help himself, but overall it's certainly one of the less complicated situations Izaya's been in. He knows the right people and he has the right connections. He's more or less reassured that nobody will know what happened except for him and Shizuo. Even those who were involved don't know it was Shizuo; Izaya doesn't tell him and these are the sort of people who know that less is better when doing business with Orihara Izaya.

Orihara Izaya is a magician and can make just about anything go away.

"I can't just not do anything."

Except Shizuo's conscience.

He's just returned home and his movements are weary, feels an impending headache. Even before the door closes, he hears Shizuo's voice and feels his stomach drop.

"What are you talking about?" he asks easily while hanging up his phone.

"I killed someone, Izaya," Shizuo says, his voice strained. "I can't just stay here like I didn't do anything. I took someone's life. He could've had kids and a wife and a dog. And if he has loans, he's going to be defaulting on those-"

"Shizu-chan, you needn't concern yourself. One default won't ruin Japan's economy."

"I need to apologize," he continues hurriedly, eyes lighting up. "You can find him right? His name is-"

"How do you know his name?" Izaya asks sharply and Shizuo flinches, hesitating before looking away like a guilty dog. Izaya keeps staring until Shizuo sighs, reaching into his pocket and producing a wallet.

"...Because I have his ID."

Eyes narrowing, Izaya strides forward and takes it from Shizuo. He seems to be considering the weight for a moment before opening it, skims the contents quickly. It's a heavy silence until Izaya speaks, gives a slow sigh and his voice is low. He doesn't bother asking where he got it from or when; it more likely than not fell out at some point and Shizuo picked it up, decided it better he pocket it. No wonder no identification had been found; Izaya had thought that strange.

He looks up. "Do you have anything else?"

Shizuo shakes his head.

"You're sure?"

Shizuo nods.

Shizuo's shoulders are hunched, his hands in his pockets. He's worrying his bottom lip and his eyes keep stealing glances but never lingering. Izaya stares for a bit longer before he steps forward, reaching a hand out to skim fingers over Shizuo's wrist. "I'm not angry," he says quietly and can Shizuo visibly exhale. "But you can't keep things like this from me. I'm trying to protect you, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo's mouth opens but nothing comes out and Izaya opts instead to lean his head against his chest, closes his eyes and fall into him. His hands come up to circle Shizuo's body gently, smells the shampoo and body wash he uses lingering on Shizuo. He misses Shizuo's cologne, but that's easily tolerated as long as he had Shizuo himself.

"...Izaya," Shizuo says and Izaya shivers at his voice, the way he says his name. "I… I have to ask."

"Hm?"

"...Why?"

He's referring to Izaya picking up his call and going to him. He's referring to Izaya involving himself in a murder and accepting the consequences. He's referring to Izaya hiding him, protecting him. Izaya knows that because he knows Shizuo, has seen the way he agonized over forgetting to pay for a bag of chips and never once raised his voice in the library during Raira.

"Because," Izaya says softly. "You're Shizu-chan."

"I'm just another person."

Izaya looks up, lips curving in a slightly lopsided manner.

"You will never be just another person to me."

* * *

Shizuo has days where he can get out of bed and talk, sometimes laugh. But Shizuo also has days where he spends all of daylight under the covers, barely touches meals brought to him. Izaya frowns every time he hears the word _monster_ and just puts a hand on Shizuo's shoulder before moving to lay down, hold him close.

_I'm not afraid of you._

Izaya already has confirmation that the body is disposed of properly and will never be found. He doesn't share this with Shizuo and Shizuo doesn't ask. Izaya also knows everything about the person, for the purpose of tying up loose ends that could unravel messily, and neglects to answer when Shizuo asks. "It won't change anything" is his response of choice.

Shizuo is trying to humanize who he killed and Izaya doesn't want him to; it'll just upset him further and that's the last thing Izaya wants. Shizuo's too honest to snoop around his files, but Izaya password protects them anyway, hides them in the deepest abysses of his computer.

He had been a father to two little girls. His wife works at a library and, all in all, they were a normal family. Izaya digs up that he recently fell into gambling and, as it often happens, greed can overtake even the best. He had debt piling up and loan sharks pursuing him; it's really the perfect set up for someone so desperate they're willing to nag the strongest man in Ikebukuro about his little brother.

It's just another story of someone who made bad choices that led to his death. As far as Izaya knows, the wife is still clueless and has probably put out a missing persons report. He confirms it and then exits the window; he doesn't care about that. His work is done.

It's unfortunate, but it's life.

On days where Shizuo is out of bed, Izaya will often feel hands on his hips, hot breath on the back of his neck, and then Shizuo's body against his. It's comforting; Izaya had never been one for hugging, but he allows this. He leans back into him and places a hand over Shizuo's, turns and kisses his neck briefly. Shizuo offers a quick, emotionless smile that worries more than it relaxes and just stays like that.

And then on the days Shizuo doesn't get out of bed, there's no touching at all. Shizuo pulls back when Izaya reaches out, moves to the edge of the bed when Izaya gets in. Izaya doesn't like it. He wants to tell Shizuo that he'll never be afraid of him, but now Shizuo is afraid of himself.

_"What if they forgave you?" Izaya asks lightly. He's lying in bed across from him; Shizuo's face is the only thing visible from under the covers, though shadows still concealing it. Izaya's shirt has ridden up a bit, exposing his pale midriff._

_"...Nothing changes," Shizuo answers._

_Izaya sighs, shifts a bit to get more comfortable._

_"You have to forgive yourself, Shizu-chan."_

_And when Shizuo looks, Izaya forgets to breathe because he looks so empty and drained, eyes dull and expression torn. Shizuo's honesty is one of the reasons Izaya finds himself so drawn to him; Shizuo's honest, his morality, his goodness. But those very reasons are why he's torturing himself right now and why Izaya can't help._

_"Tell me, Izaya. Would you be able to?"_

It's never formally said out loud, but they know in the way they look at each other, how they talk to each other. There are gentle smiles and soft brushes, an immeasurable level of trust and understanding; they've fallen back into the rhythm of being together with one stark difference from before:

The original dependent has become the new depended.

_"I'm sorry."_

_Shizuo apologizes one night where Izaya's under the covers with him._

_"For what?"_

_"For needing you more than you need me."_

_Izaya stares before he takes Shizuo's hands, kisses his knuckles._

_"Don't apologize for that."_

Because Heiwajima Shizuo will never fully understand just how much Orihara Izaya needs him.

He needs him to breathe. He needs him to live. He needs him to be brave and be alive. He needs him so much that he's sickly ecstatic it's the other way around now too.

Izaya is good to Shizuo but that doesn't mean he's a good person.

Their first kiss together after the break up is soft and careful; it's like Shizuo doesn't dare kiss him as hard as he wants to. His lips barely skim over Izaya's and he can't help but pull back when Izaya leans in, coaxed into staying still because of Izaya's hand on his jaw. Izaya commands the kiss, pulls and keeps Shizuo close. Izaya smiles when he pulls back and Shizuo offers a quick curve of his lips before looking away, sighing and apologizing again.

_"Why are you apologizing?"_

Shizuo has no answer, so he apologizes again.

Izaya is patient; he doesn't _understand_ but he understands. He knows Shizuo; he knows when to draw back and when to approach him. He knows that Shizuo sometimes wants to be alone, but sometimes needs company. He knows that, in the end, Shizuo needs somebody to be there constantly; he needs someone who isn't afraid. He apologizes for everything, especially apologizing, and doesn't even look in the mirror for longer than he has to.

_"How can you not be disgusted by me?"_

_"Because you're Shizu-chan."_

Shizuo doesn't understand how much people _care_ about him. He's gone back to thinking so lowly of himself, seeing all his progress gone to waste because he'd done what he worked so hard to avoid. Shizuo thinks he's worthless and a failure, but Izaya doesn't, something that Shizuo cannot seem to fully grasp and understand.

There are days where Shizuo can't get out of bed, but days where he can. And as long as the ratio is more in favor of the latter, then everything will be all right, just as Izaya plans.

Shizuo is a wildcard, after all.

"...I was wrong about you."

Izaya looks up in surprised eyebrows arched and blinks. "About what? Had Shizu-chan been thinking bad things about me?"

Today's one of the days where Shizuo gets out of bed and it's a good day. Shizuo eats breakfast and he gives a smile that doesn't make Izaya frown. They're in the living room together; Izaya's at his computer working and Shizuo watching television from the couch, delighting in a tranquility that only eleven in the morning can offer.

There are times where Izaya's afraid he'll lose Shizuo, but he won't let that happen. No matter what, that's something he absolutely won't allow.

"What I said when we broke up," Shizuo says quietly, offers a smile. "...I was wrong. During all this, you've been… patient and understanding. …Thank you."

Izaya seems amused, the way his lips quirk and he looks away. A raised hand waves nonchalantly and the other picks up his tea to take a sip. When Shizuo says things like that, it'll be an okay day. When Shizuo isn't so enclosed in self-loathing, it'll be a good day. "It's nothing, Shizu-chan."

"It's everything," Shizuo says and Izaya just smirks.

Shizuo goes back to watching some drama Kasuka is in and Izaya goes back to work, using his mug to hide his smirk.

* * *

_"I need to tell Kasuka. I can't lie to him."_

It's not lying, Izaya explains, if they don't ask.

For the past several months, Izaya's been careful about who Shizuo talks to and when. He doesn't _restrict_ him from speaking to people, that would be ludicrous and also unfair, but Izaya does turn down requests from people to see Shizuo at times. It usually coincides; times where Shizuo's more likely to confess overlap with when he doesn't want to talk. His conversations have been stilted and curt; Izaya explains it as stress to Celty and Tom, doesn't even bother making up an excuse for Kasuka. Because Kasuka knows something is wrong, but Kasuka knows to not push.

"Are you sure?" Izaya asks, glancing at him warily. "Not that Kasuka-kun would tell the police, as you are his brother, but…"

He might urge you to and your relationship with him may be irreparable, Izaya wants to say, but even he knows when to bite his tongue.

"He's Kasuka," Shizuo says tiredly with a shrug. "…I can't hide it from him."

"Has he ever asked?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"He's my brother," Shizuo answers simply.

Izaya puts down the knife he's using to prepare dinner. He closes his eyes and gives a sigh that moves his shoulders, hears what's underlying everything Shizuo's been saying since the beginning of the conversation. "…Shizu-chan, it's not your fault."

It's dead silent.

Shizuo's staring at him. Izaya's used to it, since Shizuo tends to stare when surprised or angry or really just when he feels anything, so he goes back to cutting the celery evenly, scooping them up and tossing them in the heated pan. They're nearly done by the time Shizuo finds his voice and Izaya just hums, gives him a few minutes to try to string together a sentence.

"…You're…"

He finds his voice but not very eloquently.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya speaks instead for the both of them, "I may lie to myself and others, but never in business and never to you. Have I ever lied to you?"

Shizuo fidgets.

"No," he says quietly.

Izaya gives a calm smile.

"Exactly."

"But how can you…"

"Trust me, Shizu-chan," Izaya says airily as he goes to check on the rice. "I've come across many people and have been involved in many situations. Not all murders are the same. Some are premeditated, some are passionate. Some are personal, some are not. In the end, yes, somebody ends up dead. But the motives differ vastly because all humans are different."

"I _killed_ —"

"The world's not black and white," Izaya interjects, voice smooth and calm. "It's varying shades of gray. You have to forgive yourself if you're going to live with it."

They eat dinner in silence that night, but when Shizuo opts to watch television with him instead of going straight to bed, Izaya knows things will be okay.

Kasuka comes over a few days later. Izaya's out for the day, dramatically explaining that this particular client _demands_ a meeting, and has called in Namie. She more or less knows by now what's going on; she pieced it together during her sparse, seemingly sporadic visits, and stares at Izaya until he smiles over at her, Shizuo in the shower.

_"Yes?"_

_She says nothing and Izaya just sighs. He's animated again, she's annoyed to realize. When Shizuo's gone, Izaya so easily slips back into his normal persona, the one where she wants to shove him down the garbage disposal. He shrugs, tilts his head. "You're thinking of what you did to Mika-chan for Seiji, aren't you? How this is the same?"_

_He smiles._

_"It's not."_

_"I know," she says, going to put her bag by her desk. "Because yours involves a murder."_

_"Did you not think Mika-chan was dead? You were entirely ready to cover that up for Seiji, no?"_

_"But she wasn't."_

_"But you thought she was. Or, at the very least, a part of you so desperately wanted her to be. So you could avoid the hero, have Seiji-kun fall for you! But then you made her look like that head and, well… tell me, does Seiji-kun remember you?"_

_She whirls around to yell, but Shizuo comes out of the shower and Izaya just smirks at her._

_"Have a good day, Namie-san! Remember to do all the work I've left you!"_

Namie really hates Izaya, but this job pays well and as long as she's here, he won't use her as a pawn, she reasons.

She notices the change in Izaya; it's stark, after all, the way he talks to her and the way he talks to Shizuo. Granted, he sends her home most of the time and so she hasn't seen their relationship in its entirety, but the glimpses are enough. Izaya treats everyone the same, so any exception jumps out at her.

But what she notice even more is Shizuo. She hasn't been in that much recently, but she still sees the change in him, is quite honestly _surprised_ at how somebody who usually destroys people has pieced together someone she thought was beyond repair. Shizuo is still a far cry from the person he used to be, but he can occasionally smile and carry on conversation. His voice is soft, uncertain, but the fact he _talks_ is amazing to her. She's surprised. She's disgusted.

Because she has always known Heiwajima Shizuo to have a sense of justice so strong that it felt impossible he was in a relationship with Orihara Izaya, so every day she comes in and learns he hasn't turned himself in is another surprise.

Not that she's one to talk, she supposes.

She answers the door for Kasuka and they exchange equally blank looks. She's going through some paperwork; Izaya gives her a list of names of paper files he wants shredded by the end of the day, and Namie had given it a cursory glance before opting to take advantage of his kitchen first. She's not like Izaya; she knows those files hold information that could ruin lives, but she has no intention of using them for any sort of gain. And then there's Shizuo, to whom all this is also easily accessible, but he doesn't even so much as glance at them. Maybe it's his conscience, maybe it's because he's never approved of what Izaya does.

Shizuo and Kasuka talk in low voices that Namie could hear if she cared enough. She catches bits and pieces of their conversation when she walks past for more tea. She catches Shizuo jolting a bit when she walks by a bit too close once time, so she makes it a point to stay further away. An upset or agitated Shizuo just means a reduction in her pay.

"…I see," she hears Kasuka say during one particular trip to the kitchen.

She opens a cupboard to look for more tea. She appalled at how poorly stocked Izaya's cabinets are. She's also annoyed that someone's clearly been drinking her skim milk. She's not sure if she should be annoyed at Shizuo for drinking it or Izaya for pouring it in the first place.

"I fucked up, I know," Shizuo mumbles, head bowed and fingers tangled in his hair, "I just… I wanted to tell you. Or I wanted you to hear it from me."

"…Thank you for telling me."

Namie glances over her shoulder and sees Kasuka reach a hand out to place on Shizuo's knee. The touch surprises him, shown in the way he looks up suddenly, and then there's a soft, relieved smile that she's only ever seen given to Izaya. She goes back to the cabinets and takes out a package of crackers she knows Izaya likes.

It's the last one, so she opens it.

She deserves some crackers.

"Will you be all right?" Kasuka asks quietly.

"…Yeah," Namie hears, "I think I will, actually."

After this mug, Namie decides, she'll shred one file. Izaya's given her a list of about twenty, which is also how many new files he wants created. He doesn't like when there aren't enough folders, leading some to lean and end up bent. It's an unfortunate dislike they have in common. Namie is good at her job, despite her personality and relationship with her boss. She's very good and both she and Izaya know it.

"Do you know what his name was?" Kasuka asks in such a quiet voice that she hears only because she goes back to her desk to retrieve a coaster (she _just_ wiped down the counters yesterday.)

Going back to the kitchen, she sees the water's just finished boiling. Shizuo hasn't said anything; Namie wonders just how long they're going to talk because she wants to watch television. She supposes she could go upstairs, but the television downstairs is much, much bigger and better quality. She could also watch on her computer. It's not as if she actually plans on getting much work done today.

She doesn't know much about the person he killed; all she knows is the fact that Shizuo killed someone. She can't say she was _too_ surprised when she found out; she knows Shizuo has substantially improved his temper, but he still is prone to emotional outbursts, as many people are. That and his strength create a lethal combination; so the act doesn't surprise her, but the way he handles it does.

The way Izaya has him handle it, she corrects.

It's obvious to her that he's manipulated Shizuo in some way; had it not been for Izaya's influence, Heiwajima Shizuo would most likely be sitting in a jail cell right about now. Namie isn't sure on the details; if she were _forced_ , she'd have to say her sense of morality is closer to Izaya's, unfortunately, than Shizuo's clear, clean-cut definition. But Shizuo's here. Shizuo's here and he's smiling; he's back in Izaya's life and Namie can't help but wonder just _how_ it had worked out.

Shizuo's a good person; good people don't deserve to be with the likes of Izaya. And Shizuo had escaped, yet somehow was dragged back in and Namie's annoyed that Izaya's so lucky. It's probably rude to call Shizuo's most regretted act lucky but, from Izaya's point of view, it is.

But Namie doesn't care about why or how. She doesn't care who, even; it must've been someone not terribly important if Izaya's able to cover the whole thing that well that quickly, which further lessens her interest in the matter. She's switched to thinking about the twenty names of folders he tells her to shred, can remember when she created them, ranging from a few weeks to several months to maybe even years ago. It's one of the perks of an excellent memory.

Despite being the person who, arguably and unfortunately, has spent the most time with Izaya in the last several years, there's actually a lot about him she still doesn't know. She doesn't mind; it's safer for her to keep him at an arm's length, and luckily he doesn't seem to feel like involving her in his little schemes. There are moments where he absolutely terrifies her, but there are moments where she wants to shove his head through the window. Ultimately, however, Orihara Izaya is still a mystery. She never knows what he's thinking, what he's feeling.

The one thing she is certain about is that he's absolutely, entirely, utterly obsessed with Heiwajima Shizuo, whether he admits to it or not. Whether they're together or apart, she's fairly sure Shizuo is constantly in some level of his conscious thought.

She thinks that Izaya actually can't live without him and it's not in the cheesy, romantic way. It's in the entirely dependent, unhealthy manner and it's so pathetic she could cry.

She doesn't know much about him, but she's certain Izaya needs Shizuo to survive.

He's Izaya with or without Shizuo, but she thinks he's an Izaya he likes better when with Shizuo. Sometimes people have their best traits drawn out because of the right person. Sometimes being in relationships can do that. But other times, people stay in relationships because they're terrified of being alone. She thinks it's always been fairly obvious, even to Izaya. It's complicated, Namie thinks, because she doesn't think Orihara Izaya feels a normal sort of love. He feels a twisted, absolute, all-encompassing sort. One that's easily dismissed if applied to many, but dangerous if focused on one.

Namie's raising and lowering the strainer, watching the water darken until it's the color she likes. Lifting it and waiting for the droplets to lessen, Shizuo's answer leaves a cold feeling in her gut. His voice is quiet, but she manages to catch the name. Namie's breath hitches; her hand freezes, lets the strainer fall. The sound is loud enough for them to look over and Namie hardly feels the hot liquid on her hand. She gives a mute nod when asked if all right and goes to get a paper towel to wipe up her mess, hands shaking and heart racing a bit.

She hates Izaya and has a dirt low opinion of him, but she's terrified of him for a reason.

He's obsessive and he will stop at nothing.

_"…Kobayashi Arata."_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, comments/kudos are appreciated!
> 
> 4.24: very minutely edited, mostly for my own peace of mind.


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